Those Little Big Things
by euromagpie
Summary: It's such a little thing, but today it feels like the biggest chore Lee had ever assigned himself. But hey, those slippers won't put themselves on. When depression comes calling, even someone as loud and cheeful as Lee can't do anything to stop it.


**Depression's a bitch, and it sucks, but sometimes there's no avoiding it. In the end you'll be happy with that heavy, dragging sensation every day, as long as you're able to fight through those days when the world won't let you lift a finger to save yourself.**

Sometimes Lee had…episodes. They came and went like the seasons – no, that was too regular. They came and went like the tides, at odd times and to varying degrees. These episodes were characterised by Lee realising exactly what path he'd stepped foot onto, how it stretched out before him with no end in sight. There was no rhyme or reason to them, they were just…episodes.

He didn't know what had triggered this latest one, but it made it difficult to get out of bed this morning. Objectively, Lee knew it was a beautiful day; across the room one of his windows let in a ray of wonderful golden light, illuminating the small dust motes floating through the air. About five hours ago the village had woken up, and the hustle and bustle of the street outside was familiar and comforting.

Or at least, it would have been.

With a low groan, Lee turned over in bed, blinking black eyes at his alarm clock. It read 11:35am. He didn't know what he was expecting. He'd been checking the clock every fifteen minutes for the last seven hours, each time telling himself to get up, that he was going to be late to team practice. Well, now he was definitely late, late by about four and a half hours.

Another low moan clawed its way out of Lee's throat, and with a gigantic effort he finally managed to haul himself off his back, scooting to the edge of the mattress and pressing bare feet on the warm floor boards. There, that was seven hours' worth of work, right?

Despondently, Lee stared at the wood between his toes. Feeling like lead, he lifted his head, looking before him to the doorway that would lead to his kitchen. In reality, he could have made it across in about six steps, but that day he might as well have told himself to travel from Konoha to Suna in ten minutes. It just wasn't happening.

Lee felt like crying.

This is what the episodes did, every time. It was like god had looked at Lee, had decided that he just wasn't miserable enough, and had dumped this unnameable _thing_ on him just to remind him that, _oh yeah, Lee, by the way, you're absolutely worthless. How dare you try to live the life you're been dreaming of. You know what? You should just crawl back into bed and never come out. Fuck you._

Now, Lee wasn't the type of person prone to self-pity, even in the most gruelling of circumstances, but even he wondered if perhaps he'd been a mass murderer in his previous life. Now he had been reborn into a society that placed the glorious path of a shinobi in front of your eyes, yet his body refused to channel chakra like it was supposed to and now, now _this_.

"Urgh." He muttered to his empty apartment. He might have kicked something if it didn't feel like he was wearing triple his usual training weights.

He had tried to fight back against this disease, he really had. God, he had tried _everything_. Self-rules over self-rules ("If I can't get out of bed before eight, I will run 8 laps around Konoha on my hands."), romantic motivation ("Sakura-san will never notice you if you don't make it over this little hurdle."), Gai Motivation ("What would Gai-sensei think? He would surely be ashamed of you, he would surely regret taking you on as his student, being lazy as you are!"), even simple self-flagellation ("You're pathetic, worthless. Get up you stupid, fish-eyed, bushy-browed piece of shit! Urgh, why must you be so useless!"), but in the end his stubborn flesh carriage had simply flopped about on his bed like he'd opened seven gates spontaneously. Usually, if this happened during a week-day, Gai-sensei would knock on his door after training and Lee would simply say he'd come down with an illness, and that it really was contagious, better not risk it, you wouldn't want to deprive Neji and Tenten of a teacher, right? Lee had felt ashamed even as those treacherous lies tumbled from his lips. He fancied he could sometimes see a stain on his bed where they had fallen.

Gai-sensei had never risked coming inside on those occasions, although his every Caring and Thoughtful sensei would drop off a pack of medicine and herbal teas that he would collect later. The unopened packs were still sitting in a kitchen cabinet, shameful reminders of his weakness.

But today was another day, another episode. Last time it might have worn him down, but this time! This time Rock Lee would surely not fail in his shinobi duty! He was already sitting up! This was an improvement on the many times before. If he was sitting up, he could stand up, if he could stand up, he could walk, and if he could walk-

Even the thought process was too complicated for Lee to complete at this stage, and he gazed at his slippers. They were neatly placed next to his bed, in arms reach.

Urgh, now he'd have to reach out his arm.

It took another fifteen minutes, but eventually Lee pulled the slippers on his feet and, not wanting to lose his momentum, managed to swing himself up off the bed into shuffling steps towards the doorway. He tried to be angry at the surge of pride this small achievement had brought on, telling himself that normally he would have been kicking and punching and training for seven hours at this point. Ah, but in this state he would take what he could get.

Lee made his long, ponderous way to the kitchen. His house really wasn't that big; it really wasn't even a house. It was one of those small apartments that got assigned to orphaned genin, and consisted of one big room containing a kitchen area and a living room area, with a small bedroom and a small bathroom.

He knew he should eat some breakfast, so when he finally got to his kitchen counter he didn't stop, since he knew that if he didn't get into the flow now, he would likely just sit in the same spot for the whole day. With only minimal groaning (nobody was around to hear it and if that was the price to pay for actually doing something that day, Lee would gladly pay it), Lee opened the bag of rice on the counter and went to pour some into the rice cooker.

He missed.

For a second Lee just looked at the small pile of white grains, before putting the rest of the bag carefully down on the counter with shaking hands, to avoid it tipping over and spilling even more. Without a word, he sank down onto the cool kitchen tiles. This was much better than making breakfast, he decided, as he sat with his back to the counter, legs stretched out in front of him. He felt tears course down his cheeks.

Lee couldn't deal with today.

The next morning there was still that hint of lethargy left over from the previous day's episode, but Lee had practice powering through it. Now the apathy simply felt like a crushing weight rather than god's turn at the Make Lee Give Up On Life game. Lee sometimes amused himself with imagining these after effects as little cackling demons hanging off his shoulders and legs and arms. They would try to drag him down, make him curl up in bed, make him shirk his duties.

But he would not submit. Yesterday had been another Bad Day, but today, as always, Lee would not remain Mired in the Past, but more onto the Youthful Future that lay before him. He would work twice, no, _three_ times as hard today to make up for inconveniencing his sensei and teammates by skipping out on training yesterday, and he would get stronger and perhaps his episodes would stop this time. Lee could deal with his cackling demons every day, as long as that divine punishment never crept into his mind again.

But inside Lee's apartment, another bundle of herbal tea had been added to the stack in the kitchen cabinet. It sat there as a reminders that though flowers die then spring again, always they are blackened, crushed, come autumn rain.


End file.
